Black in a small town
I wrote this a couple of months ago and never got around to posting it, so, here tis:
Never before have I been so interested in being black. Seriously. It’s weird.
I grew up in a small, mostly white, town. My parents had friends who were white, but also many who were black. So I knew other kids growing up who’s skin would get ashy and who knew why I freaked out about getting my hair wet.
The first place I lived that wasn’t my small town was LA. Very different. Lots more Spanish everywhere. Where I was, there were far more latinos than black people. But I never felt out of place. I was just another freshman from the east coast. (But I should also note that the campus I was on was mostly white, so maybe that says something about me too.)
Then I moved to NYC. Famously a melting pot, though it’s not quite as melty as NYC would want you to believe. I read an editorial in the Guardian (I think) the other day that made a good point – NYC has shared spaces (i.e. the trains, certain parks), but there are places that are less shared (look around the McDonalds and then look around a random East Village Thai place). I learned that I could more easily blend in certain neighborhoods (Washington Heights – Dominican; Bed-Sty – Black) than some of my friends; that I could blend as easily in other neighborhoods (the Village, Midtown) and that I had to work a bit and rely on learned behavior in others (uber fancy restaurants, Upper East Side). But I rarely felt out of place because of my skin color. When I did, more often it was because of my bank balance.
I’ve been to London, Hanoi, Saigon, Rio, Salvador da Bahia, Vienna, Athens, Prague, Paris, Brussels, Amsterdam. I’ve lived in Providence, RI. I’ve spent long periods deep in Trenton and Atlantic City as well. I’ve traveled to the American South – visited plantations in Mississippi and Louisiana. But I’ve never felt blacker in my life than I do in Ashland.
Now, this is not the kind of black that I feel when I visit family in the South, or see fields where people who looked like me spent thousands of hours in the hot summer sun. Not the kind that says, “My soul is grown deep like the rivers.” This is the Other kind.
My mother told me stories of when she first came to my home town. Children would come up to her in stores and rub her hand to see if the brown would come off. Many people there had never seen anyone who was black live and in person. I don’t think I really understood what that meant until I came here. The simple fact that I can’t buy stockings,
or hair products – things that I’ve always been able to get everywhere I’ve been – is a revelation. Thank goodness for the internet. How my mother did this before she could just order hair products from Amazon, I do not know.
Reading Notes from Tropical Truth
Why I changed the title of the blog
Not saying I won’t change it again, but for the moment it’s “We Wear the Mask.”
It’s a poem by Paul Lawrence Dunbar and was the first poem that I ever read that felt like someone was reading my mind. And for years, it was my touchstone. It says, in part,
“Why should the world be overwise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask.”
With this corner of the interweb, I’m saying in a (slightly) more public format things my friends have heard me vent about for years. In public, I often wear my social mask, but as I get older, that mask is slipping more and more. Perhaps not such a bad thing. Mr Dunbar was writing in a different time than that which I live, thanks be to God, so perhaps a modification of personal habits is in order.
On Privilege…again
Caught the Tropicalia bug again
Privilege: Names as mountains to climb
We gonna get our ham…
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Hambone (see an earlier post) has been on my mind lately. Recent events, a Roots marathon…a lot of things bring it up those ideas. Hey Hambone – we got some ham!
I’ve been a bit busy lately. My grandfather passed away a week ago last Sunday. Although it was expected (he’d been sick for awhile) and he had lived a long life (he was nearly 90), it’s still…a thing.
So while getting back to work on this blog, I thought I’d share a story from him. He wrote this a few years ago, I’ve just transcribed it. As you can see, stubbornness runs deep in my family.
In 1943 I bought a 1939 Chevy car on a Friday. Paid cash.
That Saturday night it was two carloads of white men came to my mother’s house. Told her to tell me to have the car back to them Sunday morning.
I did.
I asked them to return my money. They wanted to charge me $8500 for keeping the car two days.
Remember I paid cash for the car, therefore I did not owe them anything. When I finished talking with them, they were more than glad to return all my money.
One Saturday evening my brother Bennie and I was up town (that’s what we call it – up town). Three white men push my brother into the street. He came and told me. I went with him. He pointed them out. I waited in a ally for them. I had piled some bricks and watch for them to come pass. They did in about 45 minutes. The rest [is] history.
Not long after that I came to Trenton. My mother had just about had enough of me. I think she thought the same thing would happen to me that happened to my Grandfather.
3 Feb 1921: Grandfather Jim was lynched because he would not dance.
The white man pulled out a gun and ordered my Grandfather to dance.
My Grandfather took the gun and shot him.
This happened three years before I was born.
A brief posting delay
The Numbers
This week, I learned about The Numbers.
The Numbers is a local lottery game played in many communities.Sometimes its called bolita. Sometimes the lottery. But usually,
just the numbers. You can play a number straight. This way, you only win if the exact
number comes out. You can box it. This way, you win if your numbers come out in any
combination (i.e. 781, 718, 871, 781) Or you can parlay it. (Sometimes this is called a pairs bet.)
This way, you play X81 anything ending in 81 you win. Or 78X and
anything starting in 78, you win. The numbers come out at least once a day, sometimes more. Dream books all say something different. One book may say You dream
of snakes? Play 683, another may say Play 932. You can look up your name or someone elses in a Dream Book and it
will give you a number to play. You can play the number of a body part (some dream books have charts for that). Some dream books are published each year and have a lucky number for each day. You can look up your birthday and see what numbers (or days of the
week are lucky for you). (For me Saturdays are good. So are
January and October.) Some dream books also do horoscopes. Sometimes the winning number is tied to the horse race. Some say the
stock market. But really, you know you won when the numbers runner
tells you you won. Some people say you shouldnt waste your money on the numbers. But
when you can bet a dime and maybe win a few bucks . why not? photo credit: vicie rolling